Rejection for Online Pitch
Monday, 8 February 2010
I mentioned recently that I entered an online pitching competition with an agency in NYC. It wasn’t successful but the agent’s response was interesting and has given me something to think about:
“Thirty Seconds Before Midnight’ – a rock and roll tragedy.
Fusty old aristocrats, the Arnolds, flee their ruined country pile and rock legend Dave Palmer and his family move in. Dave has plans to transform the estate into a spiritual sanctuary for the creatively blocked. Bob, the keeper of the dilapidated menagerie and his daughter Stella find themselves fighting for their home and livelihood. Any trick will do, including snagging one of Dave’s twin sons.
CE–I don’t know what I would sell this as and that’s a problem. I’m going to pass.”
1) “The Resurrectionist is a complete, sexy urban fantasy of 80,000 words.
When murder cases are solved, victims are brought back to life and the killer takes their place. The murdered regain the life taken from them, and with Dani Wright’s help, the guilty trade places with the dead. This restores the balance of the universe. Dani was a nurse before she was killed and given a new life with a new mission. Being a resurrectionist is kind of like ER nursing, but with better weapons. Her fight to keep the balance has brought out dark forces that want to see Dani sent to the nebula forever.
CE–This sounds interesting. You stumbled a little bit with the pitch and that makes me wonder if the plot and the world building is as solid as it should be. I’m going to request the full manuscript. You can send it in a word doc to johnsonlitagency@gmail.com. Thx.”
2) “Re: Demon At My Door
Sixteen-year-old gothic outcast Natalie Sugarman bartered her soul for her dying mother’s life eleven years ago to a kindergarten demon. Now, the lifeline on her palm is slowly vanishing, and she knows it’s just a matter of time before Satan’s little helper returns. As Natalie faces lame psychiatric appointments, the attention of the gorgeous new boy, and a freaky encounter with a glowing-eyed fortuneteller, she must confront the demon to win her soul back—even if that means damning five other souls to take her place.
CE–This sounds interesting. I’m not sure about some of your world building elements, but I’d like to take a look at the full manuscript. Please email it to me at johnsonlitagency@gmail.com in a word doc. Thx.“
3) “One part ‘Silence of the Lambs’ and one part ‘Ghost’, THE COLLECTED is complete at 83,000 words.
Murdered at eighteen years old, Emma’s soul was collected as a souvenir. Years later, Emma manages to escape the Collector. When she realizes there is hope for life (and love) outside of the glass bottle he kept her in, she risks her freedom, and possibly the soul of her living accomplice, to rescue the rest of the souls still trapped in the killer’s morbid collection.
CE: This sounds interesting. I’m not sure about her being kept in a bottle, but I’m still interested enough to ask to see the full manuscript. Please email it to me in a word doc to johnsonlitagency@gmail.com. Thx.”
4) “Redefined is 55,000-word contemporary YA.
“Juno meets American History X”
Shauna, a black honor student with a promising future, never planned to find love with a boy who’s mixed up in a wannabe high school skinhead gang. All they can do is keep the relationship secret until they graduate and move away from their town. But when Shauna gets pregnant and the secret comes out – their love, their future and ultimately their lives are all on the line.
CE–This sounds interesting! I like the wannabe skinhead juxtaposed with the black honor student. Please send me the full manuscript in a word doc via email to johnsonlitagency@gmail.com. Thx.”
5) “As a Nightmare enslaved by the Baku, seventeen-year-old Salvador sees fear with each touch, delivers terror in dreams, and uses his shadow to collect souls. Because of this he’s always a layer of cloth away from Kit – the girl he craves, and his shadow has a life of his own – if you’re female (or a dude in drag) don’t get too close; Shadow may hump your leg or slither down your shirt. Life isn’t perfect, but when the Baku demands Kit’s soul, Salvador’s own fear becomes reality. SOUL DEBT is an 85,000 word YA paranormal.
CE–I had to read this twice to understand what was going on, but it was worth it. I like the shadow element and I like the fear element. Please send me the full manuscript. You can email to me in a word doc to johnsonlitagency@gmail.com. Thx.”
6) “Love and Other Glitches – 70,000 word Romantic Comedy
Addison Blakeney is a successful, thirtyish lawyer seeking to hire a private investigator. Carinne Madsen is a stunning, young private investigator seeking to end the 20-year feud between the Madsens and the Blakeneys. Unaware of Carinne’s identity due to her family’s change of name, Addison eagerly hires Carinne to absolve his client, a soap opera diva, of the shooting death of her co-star. Unaware of a gentleman’s pact between Addison and his father, Carinne seriously jeopardizes Addison’s job, reputation, and inheritance with her deceit. Then from somewhere between duplicity and murder, love jumps into the fray.
CE–I’ve been resisting all cute books until this point. I think your book could work really nicely. Please send the full manuscript to me in a word doc to johnsonlitagency@gmail.com. Thx.
7) “James doesn’t care about being noticed; he’d much rather blend in and live a simple life. Sadly, his wish isn’t granted. Everything changes at the end of his sophomore year and his world is shattered, leaving behind memories he’d do anything to forget. Three months after he was raped James is still in disarray, figuring out an attack he doesn’t fully understand. New friends wish to help but James is unable to open up about the past. In the end, James is forced to confront his demons when his ill-fated attempt at dating his best friend Mason fails.
You haven’t set up your story properly in your query; you’re using phrases like “live a simple life” and “wish isn’t granted” that tell nothing about the story. The second sentence gets into the meat of your story, which is fascinating. What happened to James? Is he now trying to go unnoticed because he’s the guy who was raped and therefore is an oddity? Is he being blamed for this terrible ordeal happening to him? Instead of making a decision here, I’m going to invite you to resubmit a full query letter to me at johnsonlitagency@gmail.com. That way I can get a better take on your story and see if it’s for me. Thx.”
“NO GREATER GLORY
80,000-word historical romance
RWA Golden Heart® finalist for 2008.
Ordered to commandeer a Virginia plantation for his regiment’s 1862-winter encampment, Union Colonel Reece Cutteridge comes face to face with enigmatic owner, Emaline McDaniels. With rifle in hand, the hellion displays a defiance born of desperation, but she is no match for the Blueriders. Reece confiscates her home for his wounded, yet quickly finds she has more mettle than most men. The death of her husband years before had forced responsibility of the plantation onto Emaline’s shoulders, and its management now anchors her life; daily routines, the child she never had….and no mother gives up her child without a fight! But, as stalwart as Reece is, he is also a broken man. Years after the death of his family, he still buries his anguish beneath an icy mantle of command. With the war outside suspended under the wickedness of winter, inside the mansion, battle lines are being drawn! And falling in love? That was the one thing they never did foresee!
CE–I can see why this would be a golden heart finalist manuscript. It sounds compelling. Yet there are elements that feel like you’re trying to force it to fit conventional romance pitches. Also, I’m confused by a few elements. Does she treat the house like her child? Is she supposed to care for his wounded men or give up her house? Despite my questions, this sounds like an interesting manuscript. I’d like to take a look at the full; please send to me as a word doc via email to johnsonlitagency@gmail.com. Thx.”
9) “Moving from Hollywood to Hillsgrove is a big change for seventeen-year-old actress Mari Abdo. She is in the middle of nowhere, and the boys aren’t the same as back home. She’s rejected by the first guy she sees—Adam, a member of an elite virginity club. Mari has never been rejected before and now, with the help of a few wannabe Barbies, she is on a mission to seduce and destroy the club members. Falling in love with Adam? Definitely was not part of the plan.
VIRGINITY THIEF is complete at 45,000 words.
CE–This sounds interesting and puts gender roles in reverse. I’d like to see the manuscript. Please email it to me in a word doc to johnsonlitagency@gmail.com. Thx.”
10) “Raised as a lady but forced to work for a living when orphaned ten years ago, Mary Reynolds has nothing of her own, not even her name. With no family and only one friend, hack driver Jason Shea, she dreams of one day regaining her rightful spot in society. What starts out as attempted blackmail ends with her being kidnapped and thrust into the underground world of voodoo in nineteenth century Baltimore, Maryland, where she encounters magick, zombies, and Edgar Allan Poe. Shocking as all that is, her biggest discovery is the one she makes about herself.
CE–This sounds interesting, but is it romance or commercial fiction? I’m intrigued enough to ask to see the full manuscript. Please email it to me in a word doc to johnsonlitagency@gmail.com. Thx.”
11) “UNSEEN/ YA fantasy
When Samara, a servant in the Aphran Castle, discovers that the only link to her past—her family bracelet—is the key to her future and the safety of her homeland, Layelle, she must escape and leave her best friend behind.
As Samara searches for the three missing Charms of Power missing from her bracelet, she encounters forbidden love and an enemy that is ever present yet remains unseen.
If successful, she can return to Aphra, rescue her best friend and rid Layelle of the Unseen Enemy, yet it also means forfeiting true love and becoming what she despises most.
YA Contemporary Fiction
“I’ll make sure we don’t fall apart without you,” Abby whispered to her mom’s fresh grave. At 15 she doesn’t know the cost of her promise. A year later, her father is present in body, but has checked out in every other way. Abby’s 13 year old sister Sophie starts dating a 17 year old who Abby’s sure is trouble, but is she right and will Sophie listen to her? Add to the mix Abby’s yearning for less responsibility and an unexpected romance with Mark. Through it all Abby is determined to keep her promise.
CE–This sounds interesting. I like that Abby feels responsible for keeping her family together and out of trouble. I’d like to see the full manuscript. Please email it to me at johnsonlitagency@gmail.com in a word doc. Thx.”
13) “Modern America’s CSI meets Victorian England’s JACK THE RIPPER in this time travel romantic adventure.
In A RIP IN TIME, romance sparks between two American accidental time traveling crime scene investigators. Transported back to 1888 Victorian London’s notorious slums, they strive to discover the identity of Jack the Ripper and return to the present…before Jack discovers them and decides the American woman must be his next victim. Who’s stalking whom?
CE–This sounds a bit vague. You don’t identify the heroine or how she time travels to Victorian London. I feel like Jack the Ripper has been done so many times and unless it’s been completely reinvented, I don’t think it would work. I’d like to see a partial manuscript–the first 50 pages of your novel and a complete synopsis. Please send the material to johnsonlitagency@gmail.com. Also, send the synopsis and partial in the same file. Thx”
Book one of the Grayson brothers’ series
SEMPER-FI. Ex-marine Marcus Grayson lives by the motto. So when FBI Cryptologist Kat Monroe storms into Colorado accusing his brother of being a killer, Marcus must prove her wrong. But nothing prepares him for the by-the-book agent with the serious eyes and mile-long legs. Though Marcus arouses Kat’s every bad-boy fantasy, she’s knows it’s in her best interest to remain professional. She’s successful until a past betrayal connects her family to the current murders. Now, suspended from duty and stalked by danger, she needs Marcus’s expertise to find her enemy.
CE–This sounds similar to many romantic suspense novels out there. I’m curious how it stands out from the rest. Please send the full manuscript to my associate Kara Watts at kara@johnsonliterary.com. Email as a word doc attached your message. Thx.”
15) “The fairytale sisterhood
When the things that once defined you have reached their use-by date – and you’re feeling a little like that yourself – how do you reinvent yourself?
Kat is the quintessential business woman who jokes that she forgot to have children. But alone in her South Bank apartment, she’s not laughing. Leah is comfortable with her single life, until she meets her son’s soccer coach. He’s everything she never wanted in a man. And she’s way past believing that love conquers all. Olivia lives a fairytale existence, with a loving husband, two adorable kids and a design job most people would kill for. But the whole superwoman thing is wearing very thin…
This is a story about friendship, the myth of choice — and three women who learn that, when the roles they play don’t fit, they must make a story of their own…
CE–There is something about the set-up that makes me think this could work really nicely. It would hinge on the writing and the execution. I’d like to take a look. Please send me the manuscript in a word doc to johnsonlitagency@gmail.com. Thx.”
16) “Scorched is a YA paranormal in first person narrative with alternating POVs.
Sidra aka Scorch takes pyromania to a whole new degree. Her mind is full of fire as are her paintings. When the new guy at school turns out to be a pyrodemon hunter, Scorch finds out she isn’t the only one who feeds on flames.
It’s Asher’s job to take down the demons with his shadowhound sending them back to the fires of hell, but he’d much rather tail a cute pyromaniac. With Scorch’s paintings predicting the fires before they happen, he might be lucky enough to get both the girl and the demons.
CE–This left me a little confused. Is Scorch a demon? Or a girl who can see fire? I like the idea of a pyrodemon hunter. I haven’t heard of that before so it could be a fun new twist of paranormal creatures. I’d like to take a look at the full manuscript. Please send to me in a word doc at johnsonlitagency@gmail.com. Thx.”
17) “A rookie vengeance demon becomes a pawn in the deadly game between a demon hunter and the monster that destroyed his family.
Half demon, half demon hunter Ryder McKinnon hides in the open–all the better to keep those who hunt him at bay. But when a beautiful vengeance demon asks for his help, Ryder finds himself on the trail of an old familiar enemy filled with DARK INTENT.
CE–This sounds interesting. I’d like to take a look at the full manuscript. Please email it to me as a word doc to johnsonlitagency@gmail.com. Thx.”
“feels like it’s been done before”
“many, many vampire/angel/fairy books out there”
“the novelist character in a novel always makes me cringe”
“not compelling” / “does not pull me in”
“not enough conflict”
“too many questions”
“can’t see this working”
No. 1 — February 8th, 2010 at 18:59
fascinating to see what catches her interest and how she responds. I am also surprised that she needs a ‘niche’ for what she reads and if she hasn’t got one it’s a no no.